Monday, June 09, 2008


How to make it as an Artiste - Ten (plus one) golden rules:

1) Be born into the middle classes (preferably the UPPER middle classes)
- Nobody lower class ever amounted to anything, except for a few shipping tycoons and 20'th century musicians, and people from the upper classes are busy running the world.
Coming from the middle classes your parents will also be able to bail you out financially every time your life crashes (and it will...)

2) Go to an Art school teaching modern art.
- You need people already in the art world to get going - not skills.
The modern type Art school delivers on both.

3) DO NOT go to a "traditional" school of art and design.
- They will teach you skills there which will be utterly useless for modern art and it might even earn you the disdain of your future colleagues in the REAL art world.

4) When in art school - Don't hang around the campus too much.
Being absent will add a sense of mystery to your persona - If people ask, make them believe you are involved in projects out in "the real world" which are much more interesting than what's going on at that stuffy old campus.
Remember to always turn up for the most hyped lectures and events, and all of the parties of course.

5) Only work when you are drunk or otherwise intoxicated.
- It will add an inept strangeness to you work that can pass for genius and If you work a lot you will also have an excuse for getting plastered a lot!

6) Be dirt poor.
- Even today there is still this strange romantic tradition for anyone wanting to be an artist - A mark of proficiency you might say.
At some time in your life you'll have to live without any sort of income or job (six to twelve months will usually do today)
Definitely a tough one in today's wealthy welfare societies... but frequent visits to family members who might slip you some cash takes care of the problem of paying for rent and food and artists materials you can always "borrow" from your colleagues when they are not in their studios.
Free alcohol are offered at Gallery openings so you can still get tanked plentifully - Hang in there, Vincent!

7) Don't read books on art, read magazines...
- Books on art are usually written by highly educated and articulate people and will only get you confused - Magazines are filled with contemporary art you can copy and pass off as your own work. Always have a stack of the most popular Art magazines in your studio, everybody loves them!

8) Suck up - Sneer down...
- Yes, in the art world it is also about WHO you know, not WHAT you know...
- Always remember to praise what others are praising and walk all over what others say is crap - The Art world is a small tightly-knit community, a bit like a village. Work to become the Vicar or the Mayor - Not the tramp or the Gypsy...

9) Don't worry about money...
- NEVER, NEVER, NEVER try to put a price on your own art, that's your DEALERS job...stay away from the whole money thing all together - You'll only screw things up and annoy your dealer. Money is serious business - Leave it to the professionals.

10) "Learn your lines"
YOU are the artist, YOUR job is to produce work and be drunk and abusive at openings and it's like they say : "...The world is a stage and each must play his part..." You play the part of the artiste - The better you play it the better you'll come out.

11) Die...
Yes, dying is one of the best carear moves you can possibly make!
It will enable art historians and dealers to get a full overview of where to place you in the historical hierarchy of artists - Making it a lot easier to price your work.
Since you no longer are producing, your work becomes one big "limited edition" and the rest is up to your dealer.
Another benefit of your death is that art historians, journalists, colleagues and other people who hate you, can drag your work through the gutter without the risk of getting head butted by you outside the supermarket or at an opening - Everybody wins.

Retro babe "...that IS a kinky west, honey...but I'm allergic to that type of material!.."
Panzer Sdkfz 251/1
Another photo of the 251 during a type of "Army day" event. Judging form the bombed out ruins in the background we're probably talking late 1943 or later.
(unfortunately) Also my people
(regrettably) Also my war

No comments: